Friday, February 27, 2009

Nice Today

"Have I been nice to you today?"
Yes, you've been very nice. You gave me orange juice and tylenol. You gave me breakfast in bed. You put lube in my palm and said, "show me how."
You've been very nice to me today.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Murder City Devil

Last night I dreamt I was standing tall above a floor of dead, naked women. I was sucking on blood oranges and carelessly tossing the rinds on their bodies. My hair was slicked back and I wore a black collared shirt, unbuttoned and partially tucked into pinstripe pants. My feet were bare, nestled against the deceased and my face was shaved clean but with scatterings of pulp around the mouth. I ate maniacally, devouring blood orange after blood orange, tossing rind after rind.

I awoke painfully aroused. I had no idea if I was actually turned on by this dream, or if it was simply morning wood. I felt catatonic and queasy. The next thing I knew I was cooking tomato soup for breakfast. When it was ready I brought it to the living room, turned the blinds to block the sun, cloaked a blanket over my shoulders, sat on the couch and began reading an Anne Rice novel.

Shortly thereafter my thoughts got muddled. It was like they were fast forwarding and rewinding simultaneously, occasionally flashing graphic images from the dream . My body ached horribly.

I called my sister and told her I needed to talk and that my head was all messed up again. She said she was swamped at the moment, but would come over as soon as she was finished and to please, please promise to not leave the house until she got there.

I hung up without saying anything. That is about all I can remember...(tbc)

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Feeding the Pattern

"I can't do this. I can't do this," she wailed as she shook the grocery bag. "I can't keep on like this knowing you're leaving. " We stood in the street on our way home from the market. The rain fell heavy and the clouds swelled closer to the dark earth.
"If you believe that, say it again and I'll walk away if that makes this whole thing easier. You'll never hear from me again."
Then the bag broke. The eggs cracked. The wine shattered. The milk found the gutter. Some other shit rattled around, too.
"No, No!" she screamed glancing quickly at the mess, then back at me. "That's not what I want!" Won't you fight for me?"
"No. I can't; I don't have the strength right now. But each day I'm with you, you build me up. And I think I do, or did, the same for you. But you're right. Maybe we can't make believe anymore. Look at it." I motioned to the broken, cracked-up mess we made. Her eyes fixed on the mess, and her head cocked slightly to her right shoulder. She smiled peacefully.
"What?" I asked her.
"Funny," she said almost whispering, still gazing upon the mess, now converging into one stream quietly flowing in the gutter to the drain. "How it comes to this. How such a mistake comes to make sense. It's all feeding the pattern."

Monday, February 9, 2009

The Waiting....

Lately, she is calling me pet names like “Shoo-Shoo” or occasionally, “Sparky.” She also smells like cheap vodka instead of that god-damned rum, so maybe I should let the pet names slide for the time being, or at least until she discovers the euphoric twists that gin can put on the brain. Then, maybe, just maybe, she'd call me Saber-Tooth, or Falcon. But for now, with the vodka blurring my edges and putting me on fours, I am Shoo-Shoo, sometimes Sparky.
It doesn’t matter to me or emasculate me the slightest because I'm in the waiting room. She could spit on me while fucking me, then call me Johnny and it wouldn't matter. In the waiting room there is no feeling, no sensation. It's all sterile. Some old magazines and insipid wallpaper. But on the other side of the wall, something will happen. Whatever that something is, no matter the importance it may play in the grand scheme of things, it will occur and then old Shoo-Shoo can kiss my ass. I just need that fucking VISA to arrive.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Lawyers, Guns and Money: The Great Dust-Up

I was told to expect one great dust-up in my life. I had imagined a hospitalizing brawl, or too much cocaine in a weak heart. Maybe an unwanted pregnancy. Something like that.
But Mighty George cooked up something more original, more delicious.
It happened shortly after my 28th birthday. And once the dust settled, my career, money, house, friends and girlfriend vanished. They were replaced with lawyers and cops, fright and paranoia. Looking back on it, I wish somehow guns could have been involved.
As the intermittent days eerily crawled along, as I sold my possessions, drank remorsefully and said my goodbyes to the place I called home, I figured America didn't want me anymore.