Thursday, September 3, 2009

Scripting a Pilot: The Whistling Contest

Cal: I have this idea about a 15 year old mexican homo-embarrassment story
Brett: Thats what I'm talkin' bout!
Cal: So like, one boy named Pablo is dating Lupe, but Pablo is secretly gay and is in love with Jorge, who is Lupe's brother
Brett: Did they meet at a Quinceanera?
Cal: No, they met because they're probably related
Brett: Oh, ok.Cal: So, the unique aspect of the story is that there is a whistling contest coming up that everyone in the neighborhood participates in and Lupe is the winner 2 years in a row, but, because Pablo is in love with Jorge, he starts abusing Lupe with silence and she loses her ability to whistle
(they've been dating for 2 months)
Brett: Wait a minute!
1) what does a whistling contest entail
2) how does silence hurt her whistling ability
Cal: a whistling contest entails different whistling categories. There's a category for police notification whistling, white people are around whistling, bird whistling, and then, Lupe's category, cat calls at boys.
So, she loses her ability because her mouth dries up when the silence overwhelms her and she stops speaking except to say Si o No
Brett: This is unbelievable material!
But like in a good way
Cal: It takes place in Oxnard, California
Brett: I think i can weave in a duplicitous meaning because whistling kind of goes with silence, yet it is silence that crushes her whistling skills
Cal: Yes
Brett: OK, continue
What about the gay love?
Does that matter?
Or is it just a vehicle to drive the story?
Cal: So, when Pablo comes onto Jorge at a bbq at a park while taking a break from handball, Jorge turns him down without even knowing that Pablo is even coming onto him because machismo obscures the possibility of gayness altogether
and Pablo is crushed!

Jorge doesn't even notice the tension
Brett: OK. Got it. Continue
Cal: So, Pablo is forced into intense introspection where he has to realize one of three things 1) he is generally gay (this will turn his own life and his families upside down 2) he is only gay for Jorge and needs to continue to pursue him, or 3) he should stay with Lupe
Brett: For number 2, we would definitely have to mention the word "loins"
Like when you are not generally gay, sometimes your loins can momentarily lust for another man...but not your heart
Cal: Exactly, and that's really what's happening, he's just lusting, which is the first step toward general gayness, so he does what most young gay boys have done, he chooses to stay with Lupe. And just in time too!
Brett: So he goes back to her before the big showdown!?
This so romantic!
Cal: Because she cannot whistle and has not entered the contest, so Pablo returns to her and kisses her sweetly, tells her he loves her and wants to get her pregnant, she whispers, "I already am" and then takes the stage and whistles her little heart out
The story ends right there, as she's whistling
Brett: Oh. My. God.
Cal: It's a good story
Brett: One more question
Cal: sure
Cal: How do you imagine a whistling contest? Like in someone's backyard?
Are there judges or just mob approval like when Eminem raps in 8 mile
Brett: No, it's in the downtown square. In Oxnard there is an old gazebo where mariachi bands play during special events
There are judges
Brett: And seats?
Cal: No seats for the crowd, because they gather around the gazebo, they simply surround the whistler in community support
It's very cultural
Brett: Tamales?
Call: Oh yes, the smell of tamales and rice and helado
Brett: I can't wait to start this...this one wont easy but twice the fun
Cal: Well, the structure is there so working on it will be easy because you know all the parts
It's just a matter of finding your mexican voice
Brett: Ya, thats the trick
Cal: You have to write it very seriously, without jokes

Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Heart of the Gorge

Early morning, a slight tilt before the sun. I awoke from a night terror--a loaded image driving me into waking fury. It was an image from last November:

I needed a breather. I had been trembling for the past 80 miles, and the deeper I went into the Columbia Gorge the worse my nerves became. I pulled the rental car over into one of those scenic point-of-interest spots. I got out of the car, into the rain and onto the edge of the bluff. I looked out over the misty gorge wishing something affirming would seed my thoughts. But I couldn't shake that past month in Portland. The month of undying darkness. I was treacherous. It was me against police, lawyers, spies, committees, girls, alcohol, solitude. The immediate result was defeat. I was 86'd from several bars on W. Burnside until I finally just stayed at home drinking while strangers came over to my apartment to take my furniture for a few bucks a piece until it was all gone. I rented a car, said goodbye to the few friends that knew the truth about the mistake I made, or perhaps the mistake that made me, and made for my dad's hideout near the Idaho/Canada border. And now in the Gorge, in the thick of it all, I could no longer move. I seized up. Emotional paralysis, maybe. The thought that the past was still wide open made moving forward futile. This siege of the senses would come to haunt me over the next year. Sometimes in grocery stores, or in the woods, or watching television. It was like stepping out of my body and leaving it privy to spiritual vultures. Yet the initial impact of this madness happened in the Gorge, in the rain, and on the edge. And the night terror haunts this location indefinitely, hovering all around that poor bastard teetering on a sharp cliff, weathering the elements in the heart of the Gorge.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Joel, You Are A Pussy

The most entertaining thing about pursuing writing is that you are welcomed with these things called Rejection Letters. Writing is very ego-driven, and the rejection letter is courteously aimed at the windshield with decapitating intentions. It is loaded with pleases and thank yous and graciouslys followed by a declining, not a good fit blade to the neck. But those are the experienced executioners. Like McSweeney's. They usually tell me something about my writing being too rooted in the short story. I mean, shit, if I had to be rooted to something. . .
Yet sometimes those carrying blades are no more than fools finally off the leash. I received one yesterday that had "guest editors" make the final cut. Nobody knows who the guest editors were, but I am assuming one was this kid named Joel who I beaned with a fastball in Elks Little League 19 years ago, who I have always suspected of dedicating his life to collapsing mine. Anyhow, Joel responded via his online magazine's guest editors:

Editor 3 Vote: No

Ed. 3 Comments: Wasn't clear on the point it was trying to make.

Editor 4 Vote: No

Ed. 4 Comments: I don't understand this.

Ok, Joel. Well, we all saw you cry after I hit you with that fastball. Pussy.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

True Story

I have inherited a colleague's science class. Kids are about 12-14, scab-faced and developing quickly with gossip about drinking, smoking and screwing. All except for a little Norwegian girl named Ann. In each class, little Ann with her flat chest in cartoon t-shirts and peach haired legs has sat dreadfully quiet by the window, her eyes trembling with prayer.
But today she spoke.
We were discussing animals to dissect to best learn about the human body.
"A frog," suggested Maria.
"Mice," shouted Enrique.
"No way! A pig!" some other kid yelled.
Then, little Ann politely raised her hand. "How about a moose?"
"A moose?" I asked her raising my eyebrows. The class began giggling. "I don't know if we--"
Ann interrupted, "Ok. How about a bear?" She was nearly pleading.
"Ann, I don't...why are...I, uh, a bear? Why a bear? Or a moose?" She straightened out her frail body, rested her hands in her lap and brought her chin close to her chest. "I just want to know what makes them so big."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The Novel and A Wish

I've taken to carrying around paperbacks whenever I leave the house. Philip Roth has seen better days; scratched with sand, pages torn and front cover nearly decimated. And this is what I adore most about books. The novel goes through human experiences in which no other medium of work can travel while simultaneously influencing animate life. Life and the novel can became attached, a sort of symbiotic relationship. When I see a book I have read I know exactly where I was during that read, and what I was going through. It's a profound relationship, perhaps common with music, maybe art, not film. . . I remember reading Bukowski for the first time while working a dead-end job. I took old Bukowski with me on my hour-long city bus commute. I sneaked in some words during cubicle lapses, during cigarettes and food. That book witnessed spiritual misery. Then suddenly, near the end of the book, I raised a fist at my boss, kicked over a chair and quit.
Or reading Hemingway on train in Germany and speaking in only declarative sentences during that read. Shit, Anais Nin was a dangerous one. It was during a careless time in my life, and I ended up high on opium with a few naked strangers in a bathtub greased with Crisco. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And now I'm in a solitary phase reading Philip Roth and consequently analyzing the minute details and causes that propel human emotions and actions.
As a person becoming more interested in writing, I have also become more conscious of style and affect. Which I suppose has been the purpose of this blog site; exploring different voices and characters and how the story is told or a thought expressed. And as the sun is now setting on my 29th birthday, the voices of all my experiences rattle and echo in my head, all wanting to heard and not drowned by alcohol or quick blog, I am birthday-wishing that I will find the right one during this next year to be my teller and begin my first attempt at a novel of my own.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Underwater Explorations and the Shalimar Motel

The crew docked, unloaded the ship and checked into the Shalimar Motel. The Shalimar Motel was a fuck house, fuck pad, fuck stop, fuck whatever. It was where you went if you wanted to keep a secret from somebody you are not supposed to keep secrets from. But it was classy, in a scummy sort of way. There was a whirlpool in each room and above each whirlpool was a retractable roof that opened into the Rio de Janeiro night. There were mirrors on every bedroom wall and ceiling, porn on every television; king sized beds and a glass cabinet stocked with lubes, oils, condoms, champagne and bottled water. It was cheap and, hell, if you can’t bring back a woman in the evening, you still got a whirlpool and porn and all sorts of oils to get weird with. It may have looked odd for a crew of seamen to be checking into the Shalimar Motel without women on their arms, but it was where Captain Kane liked to stay before a major exploration, and tomorrow they would be setting out to find Atlantis.

It was also in the Shalimar Motel where the crew’s deckhand, Steve, was fingered in the ass for the first time. And it was the last time he ever thought about home.

Ever since Deckhand Steve was old enough to recall memory he couldn’t recall his home and had only a vague memory of his parents. He had a constant stream of ocean coursing through his memory, but could not put a land to that sea. A runaway orphan, deckhand Steve had been working ships since he was twelve years old in hopes of one day docking in a place that he could recognize as home. Five continents and five years later, Deckhand Steve was now in Brazil, checking into the Shalimar Motel.

He had stayed in fuck houses before, but nothing like the swank decadence of the Shalimar Motel. In fact, the aesthetic of the motel was initially too intoxicating for the young man. Besides, he had a new city to explore, and perhaps a home.
Unfortunately for Deckhand Steve, Brazil was not his home, nor were the Brazilians his people. While feasting on salgados in a nearby bar, the locals quickly informed him in broken English about the cornerstones of their society: women, barbeque, and soccer. Though he enjoyed women and meat, he loathed soccer. He detested the notion that a professional sport could end in a tie, that a championship game could be decided by a shootout and why these guys made such a big deal about scoring a goal if the size of the ball is miniscule compared to the size of the goal. He wrote off Brazil like he had all the other countries he visited, further accepting the fact that his home is no longer a part of this world.

Deckhand Steve fell into a draining depression. He was only 17, yet he had searched the seas, traipsed many lands and penetrated dark caverns in search of origin. Finally defeated, deckhand Steve raised his hand and bellowed, “a beer and a shot of that shit,” now pointing to the cachaca.
His gringo speak spoke volumes in the crowded bar. It said, “I am lonely and god-damned tired,” which upon entering a Brazilian woman’s’ ears, specifically Nilcea’s, it translated as, “money, and sex.”
Nilcea approached Deckhand Steve and asked, “Oi, tudo bem? Voce parece triste, por que?” He glanced slowly up to the beautiful Nilcea. He did not know Portuguese, nor did he feel like trying. Instead he repeated the one phrase the crew told him to say in case of a situation like this. He looked her in the eyes, grinned fretfully and squeaked, “Shalimar Motel?”

Deckhand Steve opened the glass cabinet, pushed aside the oils and lube and grabbed the champagne and two glasses, while Nilcea turned on the whirlpool, retracted the roof and stepped out of her clothes. Steve followed suit after popping and pouring the champagne, and the two sat naked in the bubbling water timidly sipping from the glasses. Though Nilcea throbbed with excitement of being in the Shalimar, Deckhand Steve remained taciturn. His laid his head down on the edge of the whirlpool, closed his eyes and began fantasizing about a home he couldn’t recall. Perplexed, Nilcea was not going to waste her time in the Shalimar Motel. The décor and the deluge of swank had incited a ravenous sexual appetite inside of her. She lowered herself into the water and waded closer to Deckhand Steve. She reached to his right foot and with her fingertips began lightly gliding up toward his calf and back down to his ankle. Her touch sent an electric tremor through Deckhand Steve’s idle body, clearing his mind of distress and hopelessness. His eyes remained closed, but his lips began to smile. Encouraged by his response, Nilcea sensually continued working her fingertips slowly up his leg.

Suddenly, as Nilcea was exploring the contours of his leg, Deckhand Steve found himself no longer in the whirlpool but in a submarine. He was on an underwater exploration navigating the depths of the ocean, seeking uncharted territory. The submarine was moving simultaneously with Nilcea’s hand. The closer her hand moved towards his groin, the closer the submarine approached a distant radiance.

Nilcea, furthermore encouraged by his glowing expression, worked her way up his thigh, unaware that Deckhand Steve was no longer present but deep within the Atlantic.
The submarine was now gliding through a dazzling glow. It was too bright for Deckhand Steve to see beyond the luminosity. He shielded his eyes from the light; unable to make out what was ahead. Just then, Nilcea reached the base of his penis and began stroking it carefully. As she did this the submarine moved through the light and into the clear view of a disenchanted, ancient city. Deckhand Steve’s heart began to race and his body stiffened in shock. Nilcea mistook this reaction as a sign that he was going to blow, so she quickly removed her hand from his dick and began massaging his balls. But the real cause for his reaction was that for the first time in his life Deckhand Steve had recognized a foreign place. He had been here before.

The submarine moved slowly around the city just as Nilcea slowly moved his balls around. From the viewing window Deckhand Steve saw how this place had once defied dimensions with staircases in all angles, stretching for miles. In the center of it all was an eroded palace with barnacled gates, and it was surrounded by destructed housing foundations and extending roads. And remarkably, Deckhand Steve knew exactly where those roads once led. As he began mentally reconstructing this place from memory, he began to see apparitions of the people who once lived there, and as these apparitions became more vivid he began recognizing the people and remembering their names. The city began to rapidly reshape and rebuild itself. The algae, the barnacles, and the decay all gave way to fantastic reclamation until it was suddenly a functioning city again.

Nilcea began exploring the region between the balls and the anus. As she did so, Deckhand Steve saw his parents. They were walking home from the market and they looked exactly as he remembered them. Then from up the street, little Steve, maybe four years old, came running to greet them. It quickly dawned on him that his submarine had entered a portal to the past, and he became terribly afraid of what he would see next. His parents suddenly froze and his father dropped the groceries. People began to panic and run madly in all directions. In the meanwhile Nilcea was inching closer to his asshole, and he had a wild look on his face. She asked him something in Portuguese, and he responded with a gasp so she pressed on. But the gasp was obviously not a pleasured response to what Nilcea was doing, but to the horrors he was witnessing from the viewing window of his submarine. His people and his place were being crushed and ripped apart by atrocious sea monsters until there was nothing left but ruins and a solitary escape vessel vanishing safely in the dark sea.
As he continued to look on in dismay, Nilcea slipped her middle finger into his asshole and penetrated.
“ATLANTIS!” he shrieked. It scared the shit out of Nilcea and she quickly withdrew to the opposite end of the whirlpool. “ATLANTIS!” he cried out once again, his eyes wide and crazy. He jumped from the whirlpool and skirted across the tile to the telephone. He quickly dialed Captain Kane’s room number.

“Captain, this is Steve, Deckhand Steve. Listen , I won’t be with the crew tomorrow. But I have no doubts you will find Atlantis.”
The captain chuckled. This wasn’t the first time he had lost a crew member to the magic of the Shalimar Motel. “This is a common feeling to have in the Shalimar, young man. Are you sure this is what you want to do?”
“Captain, what’s the point of returning home when all it means is ending up where you started?” He then hung up the phone, got dressed, grabbed his bag and opened the door. He turned and took a long look at a startled Nilcea sitting frozen in the steaming whirlpool. He really didn’t know what to say to her, so he shrugged his shoulders and squeaked, “Shalimar Motel?”

He left and headed for the docks where he purchased an eternal ticket on a ship that never stopped sailing.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Story Published

An online magazine, coincidentally named Fringe Indie Magazine, published a part of my psychosis. You can check it out here http://issuu.com/fringemagazine/docs/issue_august_september_09

Thursday, July 30, 2009

up for air

The travels have not ended. But as the black man slumbers, I have found enough repose to claw my way to the Internetting place to offer a quick glimpse of what the past few weeks have been like:
We stumbled into the morning from the rented apartment like vampires being crushed by sunlight. As we made our way to the building's exit, Luis the doorman/launderer motioned me over.
"Some tenants complained that last night there was a lot of noise and yelling and that there was a transvestite screaming to get in and causing lots of problems," said Luis nervously.
"Yeah, sorry about that," I told him in Portuguese. "We had a small problem last night. It won't happen again. Tranquilo?"
Luis smiled, shook my hand and asked if he could go collect and wash our linens.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Danger Doggie: An Update

I have been traveling this past week, and not paying much attention to the fringe. Which is good. The fringe is a brooding hold-over. In the meanwhile I have been working my way down the white sand coastline until I hit Rio, where I will be meeting up with a profane war veteran and a Hollywood Jew. After ten days with these two, the Fringe will need a new server. But for now here is quip of an udpate:

The first thing I realized is that Brazil is actually a nice and friendly place. I have decided that my city, Macaé, does not belong to Brazil as Fort Lauderdale does not belong to America. They are just fucked-out...well, see previous blog.
Last night I was bussing it to Saquarema, one of the best surf spots in Brazil. After a missed connection, or miscommunication, I exited the bus in Bacaxá thinking it was Saquarema. However, Bacaxa is about 8-10Km away, and I had just exited the last bus.
I purchased a bottle of Itaipava, and with my belongings on my back and Havaianas on my feet I trekked the highway through the starless night, passing jurassic aloe veras and exchanging boa noites with the 0ccasional cyclist. It was the most pleasant stretch of time I have covered in a long while.
I arrived safely, feet severely cramped only to find pro surfing had beat me to it. ASP, Rip Curl and Coca-Cola will be hosting the WQS for the next week.
I awoke this afternoon and headed to contest in time to watch Brett Simpson win a heat against a weathered Neco Padaratz. As the contest continued I realized I had been speaking only Portuguese for the past week and suddenly desired to speak English. It was then I spotted some blonde haired bros with Jack's lamenated on their boards. That meant they were from San Diego, so began walking towards them. As I came closer I picked up on the language. One bro hollered to the other bro a high-pitched "Yew!", then followed with, "danger doggie!" and slapped hands with one another.
I became very uncomfortable and continued walking by as if I had somewhere else to be. I was then reminded by something my friend Asa once said. "I have never met a guy that was actually from San Diego that I ever liked." But Asa also once said that "it is hard to be both Chinese and cool."
I don't know what the truth is. It's funny what our tongues do, dictate and decide. They are fateful rudders that. . .no, no I am doing this right now. I am on vacation.
More to come soon.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Fucked-Out Cunt

Nothing proud in form here, in this fucked-out cunt of a place, but poverty expensive with vagina. Men extract their dicks like syringes from petroleum and inject and inject and inject billowing foul motel shadows across the streets that used to dance, but now they hook and con with the taste of oil oozing everywhere bubbling into a swath of ecstasy, disease and chains trailed by beggars and stray dogs.
And in this fucked-out cunt of a place a gate was built in front of our community to protect the middle class from what the rich have done to the poor. But there are nights of imperious invasions when the gate rattles and shrill voices cry my name. I used to appease them with concern and plead in an language I no longer speak.
I know now of their origins and design. It is all a fucked-out cunt of a trick. This my fringe, and I see it all.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Hiding Hearts From The Rain

The rain has come, landing softly in silent rhythms. Silently enough to keep us awake at night without anger. We breathe like the rain falls, afraid that the slightest interruption may cause a crack in the sky, or crack our chests open again spilling out our depraved longings for America. So we keep the sheets up to our neck.
The rain can do such a thing to a man and his woman. The way it stirs you up, makes your head crazy until you're sitting cross-legged on your bed, sheets around your waist, looking your lover in her wide eyes, and she is willing to listen to you and love you because you have an idea, a mad introspection, a daring translation of the heart. And so you translate: I miss America terribly. I know a guy back in Ohio, and a way to make some money.
But you've done it before and now you know better. You know not to let the rain speak for you. Nobody really knows a guy in Ohio, and you certainly don't know how to make money.
As for America, the rain will tell you that everyone is having a good time and is moving on in their lives. Everyone is a postcard image, a childhood memory.
But we know now that no one is moving on or is having a good time; they're all crawling like spiders trying to scratch it out from day to day. So when the rain falls silently like this, we tuck into the web we have scratched out for ourselves, and we think of all the rain tucked into all the pockets of the earth and how god-damned crazy everybody will be should we lower the sheets, expose our hearts and crack open the sky.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

I Got Nothin'

Can't come up with a decent story lately. I won't call it writer's block, but something is in the way. Got no substance right now. Eh. Won't spoil ya. For the time being, here is what's going on around here:

The owner of the school died in a scuba diving accident. Nobody knows who is in charge now, employees have started to hate one another, and we all take it out on the IT guy. This boat is definitely sinking. This IT guy should be able to fix something, anything, but the server keeps crashing and without the monolith we are doomed! We tell him he has one job and he can't do it, and that his interpersonal skills need improvement. "Of course," he says, "Which is why I work with machines. I can't stand people. " Now we think he is doing it on purpose, and we keep a closer watch on the IT guy rather than our students. Did I mention this ship is sinking?
Today we met to discuss who can design a curriculum since the academic coordinator just quit. Instead we blamed the printer, and that if it ever worked we could maybe teach a planned lesson, so fuck curriculum, and what about this IT guy? He can't even fix the printer. Then, shortly after the meeting there was a shootout in front of the school. We all ran to look, secretly hoping the IT guy got it in the gut. Instead it was some ragged favela kids in an awry car hijack, but since the IT guy had nothing to do with it we cared little and went in our own directions. Not sure what anybody else did, but I ended up drunk on wine and painting my neighbor's toenails.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Loam

The last I heard from Zillmann was a few months ago. He was writing mad poetry about Mars and working in a plant nursery. We spoke recently and he said he has been digging his hands in the fresh loam. I told him it was vile to say such a phrase, but he insisted the loam is where his hands have been. I countered by telling him that if I ever bothered to find out what the hell loam is, I may congratulate him on his loam. But for now I will keep my eyes set upon this bloated dog on the sunny side of the road hoping that Zillmann will keep his loamy hands to himself.
Been on this bus for too long. Somewhere between Only God Knows Where and a Borracharia. I feel all these people have a right to be on this bus because they need to be on this bus. They need to be somewhere, and hopefully soon. Maybe it's work. Or maybe family. But it's important for them to get there.
I have nowhere to be. And I tell myself that is a good thing. Some kind of Buddhist load of shit about not being owned by material obligations, and letting go, yet I feel queer and nauseus with these thoughts. And it could be because I am writing while in a moving vehicle, but maybe I have reached a time in my life where traveling has become tiring revolutions around the anywheres of the world. I am no longer shocked by culture, wealth, poverty, or landscape. I understand that we live in different places and that we eat different foods, that water falls and deserts dry, and the hills are high and the valleys are low.
What blows my mind more than anything is that we are alive. That on this bus we have all achieved, up to this point, a moderate success in not dying. Waking up is a tremendous miracle. Throughout our experiences, at any time, the introduction of one unneccessary particle to one ordinary situation can shatter everything. A displaced particle can make this bus driver kill us all, or such a particle can cause the man next to me go for my gringo throat at the next rest stop. But none of this will happen. We will still drink wine and eat bread; this is miraculous. We are alive while phantoms circle over our bodies. Zillmann sifts through the loam and writes beautiful poetry about Mars.
Incredible.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Another Pattern

I write a lot about women. But it's mostly because I write when I am in trouble. When I am in trouble I need a parachute, and kisses make the best ones.

Monday, June 1, 2009

More Lives Than You'll Ever Know

There is a woman out there who I love dearly. I have said it out loud before, but only when I am close to the floor. It is much easier to squash such a thing when it's that low.
Well, see, I love her now a whole lot. I didn't really before. I mean, I did, but well, I was stupid. I would fuck around a lot. I thought different pussy was always gonna be different. But it always ends up the same. Usually mad at me.
So, as the story goes, I got her sister pregnant.
Did I mention she had--not her sister, but Eilene--has had two abortions for me? Simply because I asked her to, and she loved me. But I didn't really love her, even though I do, but not really at the time. So, ya, I fuck around and I started doing it with her sister. And like I said, her sister gets pregnant. I guess I got one hell of a seed. Christ. Anyhow, I decided the right thing to do would be to tell Eilene.
I brought out the Teacher's whiskey, and I had her sit with me on the floor. We had a few drinks. Maybe six or so. She started telling me that we should probably stop drinking like this. I asked her if she would like to move up to the table. But that wasn't what she meant.
She continued on about how we were killing ourselves or something, and what the hell was on my mind? Just then I remembered this phrase from our little Portuguese phrase book--we used to try to learn one phrase a night. It was under the emergency section.
"Nao ha antidoto para essa vemeno."
So, I said it. My face got sweaty. I guess I panicked. What that means is "there no antidote for this poison."
She slapped my leg like I was playing around. "I love that one! Like, why would anyone ever need that phrase? I'll drink to that," she exclaimed. But that wasn't what I was trying to say. So then I came clean. I told her how I fuck around and got her sister pregnant.
She stood up and over me looking horribly massive and powerful. Then she said with a clenched, low voice, "well, kill it like you killed mine."
I don't know where she is now.
I've been stuck to the floor for a few days. It is easy to squash such a thing when it's that low.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Oh Sister

Buelton, California, 4 a.m.?-

I have lost my journal. It is somewhere between Mary Beth's car and Buelton. I feel sorry for the poor bastard that finds it....

Tomorrow is today, yet so suddenly it is yesterday. The promises made for tomorrow have impetuously arrived, but it's too soon because it can't possibly be today when yesterday is definitely still today.
There needs to be a new term for this time of twilight. Something to do with confession; with being conquered. There is something about it that makes me admit my nocturnal orbit and ferocious urges.
She was married. Is married. Will be married.
I won't keep with whores anymore. I made the promise when she said "I do," but does that count as yesterday, today or tomorrow? Because when I look to my right I am reminded that I have once again shattered my word.
Who decides if it is yesterday, today or tomorrow? If it's God, then I must be him. If it's me, then I must be me. If it's you, then I must be you.
I need a new tense. One that blurs past, present and future together. Not synethesia, nor anesthesia, but something with a bit more swirl.
She said "I do." She was married. Is married. Will be married.
My heart has no shore.
There is something about this age that blurs tomorrow, today and yesterday.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Talking To Myself

-Let's try and do something good for ourselves tonight. I know that TV, drugs and whiskey are cool and all, but there is more to life than that.
-Yeah, maybe. But what are you going to do about it?
-Well, I have been trying to write something about it. Here, look...
-Ok, but if the first line is about TV, drugs and whiskey then obviously it's the inspiration and without it you would have nothing.
-But that's just it! What if I was living without this shit? Imagine what could be accomplished during a day. Imagine making love and actually feeling it!
-I feel it.
-Well, yeah, but-
-Listen. You can keep imagining all this shit, but without all this, you wouldn't even be real. This is your life right now, and there is no other, or at least no other that you are aware of. Let it go. This is why you have a failed career, failed relationships and own nothing. Because you can't fucking accept who you are in the present. Now--no, not a word, I'm not finished--do yourself a favor. Pour a glass, roll a joint, watch the television. Fuck wildly when she comes over and say things you don't mean.
-Like even that trash about anal sex and a vibrator?
-Absolutely. We can say it over and over again, and we will pretend that we have harmony and that all the things we do in the dark bring you happiness. Then, I assure you, we will have cast enough worry, doubt and illusion into the rill of goodness that you still hold onto to write whatever it is you want to write.
-I hate it when you're right.
-And I hate it when you write.

MELVIN


I have a fairly decent part in Henry Weintraub's new full-length zombie film, "Melvin." I play cop who turns into a zombie, who then eats a girl's arm. It premieres this weekend in Eugene, Oregon, then Portland, Salem and hopefully to Mars.
But in all seriousness, help support truly independent art. Go to www.531productions.com to check out the premiere times and order a DVD.
Also the band, Shim Come Quick, has two songs, "Why" and "Kelly's Not Watching," featured in the movie.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Get Back To It

Today I told a student to "stop poking at the surface; try making something bleed for once."
"This is a writing class, not a science class," she coolly responded.
She is not an artist or a scientist. I don't know what people like her become. Probably teachers. She is the same girl who thought the kids in Lord of the Flies were "stupid." I figured that was a teachable moment and replied, "well, don't have kids." She said, "whatever."
Anyhow, back to the blood. Back to riding the pulse over a shallow reef. To being locked-in. To the sea, to the moon, to the road, to the rocks, to the mountains, to the wind. Back to it all crumbling before you can pull out. Back to being spit out. Back to claiming it. Back to screaming it. Back to expression, style, composure and chance. Back to backing out. Back to saying "it's mine."

Monday, May 4, 2009

Untitled

I have been looking at the paper long enough to know I cannot re-create you. Unlike my tried words, charcoal and spit I cannot cross you out, rub you out or dry you out. You are not a synonym, a shade or unpalatable. So what do I do with you? I will do anything to re-create you. Or destroy you. You are the enchanted, haunting wraith of my conscience, or sub-conscience, or whatever the hell else it is that distorts me. I have no idea what you are anymore, or what you meant to me. But I need you on this paper, on my wall as you are. Then I will turn off the lights and throw darts. Or enshrine you with candles. I don't know which. But one or the other needs to happen because I can't keep waking up like this. The kids are getting worried.